A Beginning

So, here we go...................I begin to share my story and hopefully keep myself accountable. I am FAT! no two ways around it. No denying it. No sugar coating it. I am fat. How sad. How depressing. How utterly hopeless sounding. But even as I type this I know it is not true. I am fat---but it is NOT hopeless. (Depressing and sad, yeah! Hopeless, no!)


How did I get myself in this position? There are so many people, places, circumstances and foods I could blame---some of them legitimately. Ultimately, however, I am to blame and somehow that is the hardest pill to swallow. I have had my thyroid tested. Functions just fine, thank you. When the doctor told me, I was upset. UPSET THAT I WAS FINE! Why? Because I wanted anything, anyone, to blame except myself. And a fine thyroid can't be blamed. Sigh. I am pathetic.

I grew up in Southeast Texas where they coat everything and drop in vats of boiling oil and fry it up crisp. Chicken, burritos, squash, okra, breads, steak, fries, mashed potatoes, snickers.......you name it, we fry it! Yum-mee! I am the youngest of six kids that was a one-income family. We didn't have a lot to eat---but somehow ALL six of us are obese! It happened for me sooner than some of my other siblings but they too have joined me in Fat-ville. How is this possible? No food should equal no fat. Here are some of the reasons:

1.) What we did eat was in bulk, cheap and fattening.
2.) My father hunted deer, squirrel and rabbit to feed us and give us fresh meat. ( I think rabbit and squirrel are pretty fattening.)
3.) Everyone gorged when we had abundance.
4.) We all ate seconds when we could b/c we didn't know how much there would be next time.
5.) We ate as fast as possible to get to the next helping before it was all gone.
6.) Fruits and vegetables were mostly canned b/c they were cheaper. (I don't remember eating ONE salad as a kid.)
7.) Because we were poor there was no money for school-related or extra curricular activities. So, no soccer, baseball etc... No early "training" on being active.
8.) Many times our food came from food banks. Do you give your best food to canned food drives? No one does. So we ended up with the "crap food."
9.) Snacks, cakes, sodas were used as treats and rewards b/c they were cheap.


So, as you can see.........not a great start to healthy eating habits or exercise habits. By high school I already at least 280 if not more. My highest weight was 341 pounds. I will post a picture of me at my highest. I now weigh 219 pounds. So while less, still FAT!

In April 2003, I had gastric bypass. I lost 153 pounds down to 188. Then I got pregnant. I gained 40 up to 228/230. Now three years after giving birth, I still weigh 219. It has been a FIGHT to get down to 219. 188 seems soooooooooo far away. Gastric bypass worked for what it was. It was a way to lose a lot of weight quickly. However, it did not change my bad habits, or my addiction to food. It did not change what I feel when I look at myself in the mirror. I define myself by my fat-ness everyday. It has to STOP!!!!!!!

I have been dieting for as long as I can remember. I think I diet more than don't. I started my newest diet in mid-January when hubby and I joined the Y. I have been working out 4-5 times a week and I have gained 2 pounds!!!!!!!!!! TWO FREAKIN' POUNDS!?!??!?!?!? I am disheartened. I am upset. I am TICKED! How dare that scale tell me I gained when I have worked my butt off!

When I started at the Y I could only do 20 minutes on the machine. Now I can do 35-40. I also take a class every Saturday. I can not find time any other day of the week. I am so tired of not seeing results. I started a challenge with a friend---8 weeks of journaling, getting in our water, eating fruits and veggies, tracking our work outs and really helping each other. She lost almost 15 pounds and I have GAINED TWO!!!!!!! Lord help me but I am about to give up.

I don't want to give up............ So, here we go..........................a beginning.

I don't know if this blogging stuff will help me, but I am willing to try.