True Story

Where have I been???

2008-08-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

It has been a whirl-wind month (July). I am on vacation as a teacher but it has been sooooooooooooooo busy. I was gone for two and half weeks and since I got back I have not stopped.

*Roo (DD) had swim lessons for two weeks straight at the Y (she did so amazing and learned so quickly---I am so proud of her.)

*I have worked out an average of 3-4 times a week (mostly in the mornings and have taken some classes, which I love).

*Painted the downstairs bathroom, painted the master bath, re-painted the bathroom cabinets and replaced hardware

*Called and seen about 5-6 different lawn and deck people for quotes on building a new deck and getting some landscaping done for the front yard.

*Planned a Pampered Chef party for this Thursday

* Took Roo to the dentist--she screamed like a banshee! But then calmed down for the last half. Her teeth are great!

*Organized a garage sale for this Saturday

*Went out with friends a few times to eat and movies

*Babysat

*Went on a few dates with my hubby

*Had oral surgery -OUCH

*Pushed, carried, shoved, lugged a dresser from my van, into the house and up the stairs BY MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! I hurt when I was done.

*Pushed, carried, shoved, lugged a queen size mattress and box spring onto the top of my van, tied it down to take to the dump BY MYSELF! I hurt when I was done!

*Pruned and elevated the trees in the front yard---I used a pole saw and more than hurting my arms, it hurt my neck to look up that long. Again, by myself. And yes, I hurt!

*I have taken my daughter to the fountains, the pool, play dates, parks, movies, walks etc....all in an effort to keep her active and busy and happy. I feel like a single mom this summer b/c hubby has been working so much. He has worked 2 weekends this month and when he is off, he wants to veg.

*Oh, and I lost 5 pounds! I am down to 204!!! Almost to ONE-DERLAND

*Hubby and I are trying for another baby. I have been waiting b/c I wanted to lose weight first. But I keep toying with the same pounds over and over again. So, before I am ancient and dry up and can't have kids (I know, I am being dramatic) and before Roo is too much older, I thought we should go ahead and do it. After all, a lot of people wait until they have money, but MANY people have children with little or no money. That being said, I only stopped taking the pill about 2 weeks ago, so obviously no news yet---lol

My dad is back in the hospital tonight with a bowel obstruction and exploratory surgery. He was doing really well since my last post. Please keep him and me in your prayers.

Home again, home again, Jiggity jog

2008-07-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

FINALLY home. Got home the 5th. We were gone two and half weeks. Dad is still in the hospital but it is b/c of his hernia. Poor guy can't catch a break.

I only gained 1.8 pounds! I was amazed! I surely thought I was gaining more. I was prepared for more. Guess I made better choices than I thought. Worked out today for the first time in 2.5 weeks! Man those muscles go away quick! WHEW

Will write more later. Still recovering, unpacking, and generally getting back in the groove.

But we don't know where our home is......

2008-07-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have been out of town visiting my sick father in Texas. I left the 18th of June and have been here sicne. Yes, I am still in Texas. Dad was taken to the hospital again this morning b/c his blood sugar kept dropping. Pleas PRAY!

We have been gone so long Riley said, "But we don't know where our home is." I had asked her if she was missing daddy and ready to go home. Poor baby.

As for weight loss..............I have no idea. I am sure I am up some but have not been going crazy--just not watching it at all nor working out.

I will check back with all of you as soon as I can. I leave here Saturday.

Take care

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2008-06-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

A few random thoughts:

* Hubby is heading out tomorrow for NY. He is going there for business training for his new job. He will be there a week. I will be a "single mom." Never done that before although I do 99% of her care so there won't be much change.

*He gets back on Friday, I fly out on Wednesday of the following week for Texas. I am off to see my sick Daddy. He is set to be discharged (if all goes well) on the 16th and I arrive on the 18th. My daughter is 3.5 and he hasn't seen her since she was 3 months old. So, big homecoming and so nice to see family.

* Daughter was in her FIRST ever tumbling recital today! They danced and tumbled to Disco Duck and wore bright yellow and orange leotards with orange feather tutus and barrettes! She was DARLING and did such a GREAT job. She's three, so she messed up some but I am so stinking proud of her that she did it front of the huge audience that she had never seen before and on a stage she had never been on before! I will admit it, I cried like a baby b/c MY baby is growing up! A proud Mama Moment!

*ONE AND A HALF MORE DAYS WITH STUDENTS!!!!! We go all day Monday and half day on Tuesday. I am hoping the majority of them will be absent. I have to work Wednesday then I am done working but then have a training on Friday. I signed up for that Friday b/c I thought I might as well get it done before I left for Texas as well as take it while I was still somewhat in school mode.

*Weight holding steady at 209. SIGH I hit a plateau. Oh well, I have stumbled through one before and I shall again.

The END draws neigh........................

2008-06-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

Oh glorious end of school...............How I long to touch you............to be with you................to hold you in my arms and never let you go........... Oh, end of school, can you not hurry more quickly to my side? Run to me my love. Run! I await thee with arms open wide, ready to claim thee as my own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can tell three things about me from this post.
1.) I read WAY too many romances in my life!!!!!!!!
2.) I tend to be a bit dramatic.
3.) I AM SOO SOOO SOOOOO ready for school to be over!!!!!!

The kids are so itchy and wiggly and talkative and irritable and irritating and DONE! They are just done with school and so am I!

For their HORRENDOUS behavior on the field trip last Thursday, our principal has canceled their field day! I support this decision completely but it gives us teachers one more day of in-class mayhem.

Over 300 of us went to SciWorks (In Winston-Salem here in NC---it is AWESOME). My apologies to the staff. First a group went to the planetarium to hear/see a presentation on the stars and constellations. The lovely students from our school made LOUD bodily noises (burping, farting gagging) as the man talked! They snickered and talked and yelled out. One girl even turned on her cell phone light! Since we were in the dark, teachers were having a hard time locating the sources.........the students took advantage of that. There were three sessions in the planetarium and the teachers said they were very similar in each session.

Next we had another presentation. This one was science experiments. They talked through this one as well.

Then there were students throwing rocks against the wall outside, tormenting the talking macaw (so much so that the staff removed him from the exhibit.) Two students were trying to teach the macaw to say, "I am gay!"

But the icing on the nasty behavior cake was the fact that two boys went into the bathrooms and plugged all FOUR toilets and caused them to flood the bathroom! Our school will be sent the bill!

Now from my descriptions, you'd think these were the worst kids in the world---from rough circumstances and poor upbringing. Guess again. Many of the kids live on the lake with the boats, skiing, wake-boarding life to prove it. They live in HUGE houses, and live a privileged life. Many of these kids have more electronic "toys" than most of the teachers. They are the ones with the extra monetary advantage in life. But on the field trip, they were just bratty students. That's all we could see. UGH

So, now do you see why I am ready for summer????

Oh, oh, oh almost forgot.........I am down three more pounds! WOO HOO! Working out is going GREAT! I am going to Texas June 18th and I very worried about eating right and getting in my exercise.

My so called (crazy) life..............

2008-05-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hubby got a new job. I am very proud of him and glad for him! He was stressed at his other job and hated his manager. So, this is a positive change. With commissions (he's in sales) he should make more money than he did at his old job, he will have to drive less (saves car and gas) and he will have a schedule that give him more time to work out. All positive things.

BAH!

I am feeling soooooooooooooooo completely selfish right now that I can't even stand myself! But I can't help how I feel. There are also some history here that contributes to how I feel so please don't think I am all evil.

See, I am a teacher so I get about 6-7 weeks off for summer. When B and I got engaged/married, I told him I wanted to stay home and raise the kids. He was supportive of this and really wanted to have a job that would provide that life for me. However, life happens, and staying home when R was born never really became feasible. Some how HE got to stay home with her for the first 6 months while I worked during the day and he worked second shift!!!!!! NO FAIR! So, every summer, I look forward to having her home with me, to taking her on "field trips", to museums, theaters, movies, parks, petting zoos, swimming etc....etc..... I LOVE being a mom and summer time is MY devoted, special time with her!

Enter harsh feelings.

Last summer, B decided to change jobs. He did it RIGHT before summer and b/c of that we had a LEAN summer while he built up his clients and such. No commissions through summer. I was not very happy with him then either. I asked him to wait until after summer and he chose not to. We ended up having to take out a small personal loan to keep up with bills. So, not only did he screw up my summer, he did some financial damage to us as well. But I am a supportive wife......

So, now here we are...............summer number 2 where the dork changes jobs RIGHT before summer and ruins all my lovely plans! He doesn't get another commission check until August 15th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so mad at him while being happy for him and proud of him at the same time!!!!!!! How can I function with those conflicting emotions?!?!? Why isn't my head exploding?

I know, I know, there are parks and such that are free and I can still do "play dates" with friends. I know all that and I will be fine it---- just sucks. Am I being stupid or what???

Anyway, please don't think I am a jerk, I am just pouting.

On an unrelated note: we went on a field trip today and the kids were AWFUL! I came home with a huge headache and a desire to eat my way through a whole chocolate cake. Luckily, the headache went away after an iced coffee (no sugar) and there was no chocolate cake to eat through. I even worked out while in full headache mode. I now have three work outs under my belt this week and I will work out on Friday and Saturday if I can. (at least one of them). Positve, positive.

Biggest Loser

2008-05-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

I've joined Thinking Thin Biggest Loser Contest. http://thinkingthintoo.blogspot.com/ Check it out---there is still time if you want to join. She is giving away some prizes and she is determining the winner by percentage, not weight!

Worked out on Memorial Day--so glad I did. Today we had a staff meeting after school and I couldn't work out. Thursday we have a field trip and another meeting after school. So I will be able to work out M,W,F,Sat. That's not too shabby. Last week I was able to get in 5 work outs. Felt good.

Happy Memorial Day

2008-05-26T04:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know anyone serving right now. My grandpa served but he died a long time ago. I feel like there is something I should do.........someone I should thank........and I know no one! So, if you have have served, are serving, or have a loved one who served or is serving, tell them I said THANK YOU!!!!!!! I know our freedoms have been hard won with lots of bravery and peril! I appreciate it.

In that time honored tradition of Memorial Day we are going to a BBQ! We are bringing chicken breasts to grill so hopefully I can keep my eating under control. This is has been one of the better control weekend with eating I have had in awhile. So, I want to keep it up.

I am feeling a little better than I did the last time I posted with all of my "whines." My dad is still in the hospital. He is on a feeding tube but has been moved out of ICU into a room! That's progress! I got to talk to him on the phone and I cried like a baby! It was so good to hear his voice. He sounded so weak though and he said he had been to edge. He has some ways to go before he can be released, but daily things are looking up. Turned out that the blockage in his throat was a yeast infection. With antibiotics, that can be cleared up quickly.

It is that TOM of the month so there is some bloating/water retention but remarkably I feel better than the I did to the days leading up to it.

Everyone have a safe, HEALTHY, Memorial Day.

Emotional Hunger

2008-05-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am STARVING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it is all emotional! SIGH

Here is a great article about the difference between being hungry and "emotional hunger."

http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/outreach/8traits.html

I'm stressed and showing it.................

2008-05-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

Is it really only Wednesday???

I feel like I have lived enough in three days for three weeks. I am stressed out. So much is going on right now that I find it hard to focus on one thing at a time and therefore my food choices have SUCKED.

1.) My dad is sick. The latest: His esophagus is blocked by something and he can't eat or drink. However, his lungs are so weak with the pneumonia that they don't want to scope it out b/c they are afraid he'd go into respiratory distress. If that happened they were afraid they would have to put him on a ventilator and that he might not be able to come off of it. He hasn't eaten in days (like 5) and he has been in ICU for 7. And not eating is messing up his diabetes. (Vicious cycle)

2.) This week is the big End Of Grade Tests (EOG) in our state (NC). I have prepared my students as much as I can, however, I want them to succeed so badly and I ache for those who struggle. Also, the last few weeks I reviewed all the necessary skills and it has been intensive; for me and the students. But the last two days, with only one more to god thank goodness, I have walked and paced my room for three hours straight while watching the kids test. We have to be on constant alert for problems as they test. I only sat down twice today---both times for about 3 minutes.

3.) My husband is having trouble at work and we are a cross-roads. He can stay and be miserable and possibly get fired (the boss dislikes him) OR look for another job (which he has sent his resume out to see what is out there) OR start his own business (which of course has its own possible pitfalls). He has wanted to start his own biz for a long time....... So stressed out on the future of our little family.

4.) I start (TOM)b next week so I know I am bloated and hormonal and edgy but I feel completely out of control food wise. There was so much food at school the last couple of days b/c they were feeding the volunteers-----donuts, granola bars, coffee, bagels.........ugh. I DID walk away from everything but a granola bar on Tuesday but ate 1/4 of a donut today. Luckily it was gross or I probably would have eaten the whole thing. But I will take a victory where ever I can.

5.) I have only lost 12 pounds since Feb!!! Twelve pounds in 4 months!!! That's NOTHING! I feel like such a failure. I am so frustrated and tired.

6.) ONE GOOD THING: I have managed to work out for 5 days last week and already 3 this week. I have that part mostly under control. I am still not sure what I am doing though. Should I be changing it up more? How long is long enough? Should I add weights? Which ones? How much? How often? Arms? Legs? Abs? Back? How many calories should I eat to lose weight? I am clueless. I just get on and go for 30-40 minutes and hope for the best. I DO change machines every once in awhile but I love the elliptical b/c it doesn't hurt my knees. So I stick to it mostly. I DO take classes every Saturday too, and some of them involve weights.

Anyway, sorry for the WHINE fest? Thanks for "listening".

Dad's Sick......

2008-05-17T17:32:00.001-07:00

I have been out of my Dad's house for a long time. I had 5 years of college, 3 years living alone, 1 yr with finance, and now 8 years married.

So, how come when I hear that my dad is ill do I feel 8 years old again??? I was, and still am, such a Daddy's girl. I was the girl lying under the car with him getting dirty and oily asking a million questions. I was the one who went deer hunting with him at 3 a.m. I use to want to be a boy so I could be my dad when I grew up.

I live in NC. He lives in Texas. He is in the hospital and I can't see him!!!! And it is killing me. Luckily, he is stable and I spoke with his nurse and she thinks he will go home soon. He is 75. He has CHF, Diabetes, Asbestos Lung Poisoning, IBS. etc...etc...etc... and is in the hospital with pneumonia and an infection which dropped his blood pressure pretty low.

I am so sad and worried.

DD and I have tickets for June 18th already. So, in a worse case scenario, I can just change my flights. Not that sickness EVER comes at a good time, but this is really a bad time to be taking off from work. I am a teacher and this next week (M-H) is the end of year state tests. OF COURSE, I will go to Texas w/o blinking an eye if I have to, but I also want to be there for my students. I guess I have prepared them all I can anyway.

SIGH

If you forgot to brush your teeth last night........

2008-05-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

If you forgot to brush your teeth last night, did you decide this morning to throw in the towel and never brush your teeth again? Since you're obviously a slob who doesn't have enough self- discipline to remember to brush your teeth, why bother brushing them at all if you forgot to last night?

Of course not.

So if you had ice cream for dinner last night, or didn't exercise yesterday, or gained a pound this week, don't throw in the towel! Make a healthier choice for dinner tonight by eating something lean. Go for a short walk. Weigh in again next week.

Just do NOT give up.

(I completely stole this from a sparkpeople blog---credit goes to LISAHAS2CATS. I just thought it was great and wanted to share.)

Great works and some inspiration

2008-05-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

OK so I needed some inspiration today! Was surfing stuff on Sparkpeople and saw some quotes from different people. I decided to "Steal" them and post here for others to enjoy.

1.) "Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance."
- Samuel Johnson

2.) Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.

~Leon J. Suenes~

3.) Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

~ Dr. Dale Turner

4.)
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't;
If you'd like to win but think you can't,
It's almost a cinch you won't,
If you think you'll lose,
You're lost;
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a person's will,
It's all in the state of mind.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster hand;
But sooner or later
The person who wins
Is the one who thinks "I can."

Hope there is something there for everyone and it makes you smile and feel more motivated.

Danger/Caution/Beware/Warning

2008-05-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

Here's a good article that blew me away! Made me think.

What two colors do you think of when you think of warnings of danger or hazards? I think of yellow and red.....among others. But yellow and red right? Red means hot, war, stop, danger, hazards.......etc........ Yellow means: caution, slow down, be careful, pay attention. This article explains, and points out, that nature (coral snakes) and humans alike use these colors to warn you. So why does McDee's as well as other fast-food chains decorate their stores in red and yellow??? BECAUSE THEY ARE DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!!! WATCH OUT! HAZARD! BEWARE! WARNING!!!

Read the article. Way cool.

http://www.aiga.org/content.cfm/red-and-yellow-kills-a-fellow

Win a BIKE

2008-05-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

Scale Junkie has a contest to win a free bike. It is only open to US residents (poo) however. Good luck.

http://blog.scalejunkie.com/2008/05/lipton-free-your-y-win-free-bike.html

Going down, down, down

2008-05-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

Down to 212! Woo hoo and woo hoo!

Today (election day) was a teacher work day. So, while technically, I had to work, I did get some free time. Soooooooooooo what did I do with my free time? Did I go out to eat with friends? NO> Did I go get a pedicure? NO (Although it would have been nice.) Did I go get ice cream? (it was a hot day) NO!

I took an hour dance class at the Y called Zumba!!!!! Man did I sweat! I kicked my own butt and loved it! The instructor was wonderful and sooooooooooo full of energy! One day, I too, will have that much energy.

I am aching already as I sit here, but I don't care. I loved it, loved it, loved it.

Can NOT wait until summer so I can take regular classes. (Who would have thought I would EVER say that????)

NSVs galore.

2008-04-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

This is my darling daughter Riley. We had just come home and it was lightly raining. She asked if she could dance in the rain. My first thought was , "No. Let's go in the house so we don't get wet." Then I checked myself. Why not? Why can't she get wet? It was a warm day and it wasn't raining hard. Let her dance in the rain! So I did. And she loved it! Look at her! So happy. So care-free. My heart is just so happy to see her happy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this picture because it shows how incredibly innocent she is.

Some days I wish I could go back to those simplistic times and release all the stress and frustration being an adult brings. Right now, as I struggle and work and strive to lose weight, I think it would be really nice to go back when choosing to eat or not eat ice-cream (brownies, cookies, pies, chips, chocolate.... insert your vice here) wasn't such a monumental decision.

However, I have made many changes in my life and made some really important life-altering decisions. While, body and weight-wise, I am not where I want (or need) to be, I am proud of how far I have come. So, trudging forward but not looking back! Onward ho! (Hey! Who called me a ho????) lol

Anniversary and weight loss

2008-04-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today is my eighth anniversary! I can not believe we have been together for 10 years and married 8!! It has been and up-and-down ride with my hubby. Not always terrific but definitely not always awful! I love him so much and I see an even more wonderful man who has emerged from the wonderful man I married. He's getting better! LOL As am I. I hope.

It is that TOM and yesterday I came home from work and just crashed. I was so tired and I had a SPLITTING headache. I couldn't even read b/c my head and eyes hurt so badly. Luckily, hubby took DD and kept her downstairs and let me be. He's a doll.

I technically started this am and I jumped on the scale when I got up in absolute terror of how much water weight I had gained. Amazingly the scale said 212.8 (almost two pounds down from Friday). Now, I know that is probably not 100% accurate being the TOM and all, I still am hoping it is somewhat accurate or even wrong on the high-end!!! (Hey, a girl can hope can't she????) lol.

Another NSV: Monday, because I wasn't feeling well, was very hard. I DID not want to go work out. But I went anyway and while I did not work out with the "umph" I normally do, I did work out. I burned calories and I did 30 minutes on the elliptical. I am so proud of ME!!!!!!! woo hoo

I'm a LOSER

2008-04-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

I lost a pound, I lost a pound! (Doing the crazy "I'm losing weight dance").

I was sooooooo happy with the scale and with myself this am! Down a pound to 214. I will change the ticker soon. I have been struggling since mid-January to lose weight. I am down 7 pounds is ALL!!!!! Such a plateau.

But I felt so positive today and I hope the trend continues. I am working out on average 3-4 times a week. (Except for that crazy busy week where I only got in 2 and that one super week when I got in 5). So, I feel really good about myself even though the scale isn't cooperating as much as I'd like.

Tomorrow I am going garage-selling with my cute daughter, then to work out, then to get haircuts! A girl's day out! Can't wait.

Crazy dog!

2008-04-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

My hubby has a dog named Kayin. A very dumb but determined dog. She is a husky. She is beautiful. She is hyper. She is CRAZY! She digs out from under the fence almost every day. Drives me crazy. Today my DD accidentally let her out. She opened the front door and Kayin streaked out. Now huskys aren't known for coming back once they take off. And she is no exception! We will call and call......offer treats......food..........car rides.......all the things she loves and the dumb dog will just keep circling out of reach thinking she is playing some demented game. I want to kick her!!! (not really all you PETA people. Kick her like people say they want to kick their husbands! LOL).

I don't particularly like this dog. If I fuss at her, she pees. She is 4 years old and so should have that puppy-piddling problem under control. She jumps up on the door and scratches the hell out of it inside and out. She is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo HAIRY! When I sweep or vacuum I just curse her the entire time. Like I said, she is my husband's dog. I keep telling him what he needs to do to train her but he does not listen to me. When she jumps up on him, he pets her. Therefore, he just taught her to jump up on people---he rewarded her. When she pulls on the leash, he lets her. Hubby offers no discipline at all.

So, after Kayin escaping 700 million times and our neighbors complaining and after numerous close calls with cars, I told him tonight, THE END! I am done with this STUPID dog. You WILL either 1.) get an electric fence, 2) take her to doggy boot-camp and you go as well so you will learn how to train her or 3) get rid of her!!!!!!!!!!! I would rather him do number 2! That way he gets his dumb dog, we can stay married b/c he doesn't hate me for getting rid of her and she will be more in control around me and DD.

Our other husky, Cinco, was the same way in her prime. We didn't have a house or a child at that time so it was a little easier to ignore it. Now Cinco is like 14 years old and is blind. So, we don't worry about her getting out. She also is weaker and sleeps more.

So, I have been bad today with my eating habits. I usually eat a bigger breakfast on Saturday b/c I have the time to fix it and enjoy it. However, I think it sets me up for a "cheat" day b/c I start the day with a lackadaisical attitude.

I start another challenge with my friend in Canada tomorrow! Whew, we both need it.

Later!

Random-ness

2008-04-14T18:15:00.001-07:00

Not a lot going on in my world so here are a few random thoughts:

1.) Read a blog tonight that talked about being a "work in progress." The way she put it was an eye-opener. I AM a work in progress and will never be done. Instead of being depressed about that (b/c let's face it, the point of losing weight is to be DONE with the weight), her comments made me realize that being in "progress" isn't so bad. In a year from now, when I have lost (hopefully) all my excess weight, there will still be things in my life that need positive change. So, as long as I am always trying to better myself, I am still progressing! GO CHANGE!

2.) My hubby is not a Mr.Fix-it and I so want him to be! SIGH.

3.) Hubby is making some positive changes himself. He is moving into doing an in-home biz along with his regular job. He wants to supplement our income. Hey, I am all for that. He is hoping to move to full time on this new venture by September. He has been making some very committed changes.

4.) Grrrrrr to the little boy at daycare who taught my daughter to say, "I'm going to kill you!!" He also taught her to lay down and say, "I'm dead." Needless to say we had a long discussion about those phrases!!! She also tore off over half the leaves off of my huge potted ivy! Why you ask? I don't know why and I don't think she knows either. I think she was just experimenting with her world. This am, when I told her to put her bowl and fork in the sink she told me, "But I don't want to." grrrr grrrr and double grrr. Welcome to three-year old life.

5.) WONDERFUL friend at work MADE me feel so good when she messaged me and ask if she could steal my daughter away from a little bit this evening to play with her daughter. I love that companionship, that close knit friendship, our daughters being friends, the trust and the ability to just hang out with no strings and no elaborate planning......... These are not things I have had before. It is just such and EASY friendship. I don't have to constantly worry about what she is thinking of me or if she is taking things I say wrong. (Guess I have had the wrong type of high-maintenance friends huh??)

6.) I had NO desire to go work out today after work. I was feeling a little icky (low blood sugar) and wanted to just ditch the work out. However, I told myself to just go. Walk slowly on the treadmill of nothing else. So, I went and I ended up having a really good work out once I got warmed up!! So glad I went. This type of thinking is new. Hubby couldn't believe I went anyway. He was really proud of me:-)

Ok enough for tonight. I am going to be early! NIGHT.

Curse of the Malicious Mother-in-Law

2008-04-13T04:08:00.000-07:00

Why do I let her get to me??? Why do I care?? She has to be the single most damaged human being I know and for some reason I STILL expect her to act sane. Guess that makes me insane..............isn't there some quote somewhere that says, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing the same way over and over again and expecting different results" ??? Hey that applies to weight loss as well..........

But anyway, I really need to vent about my MIL before I talk about my weight loss efforts and set-backs. Is that ok???

She is the only grandmother my daughter has b/c my mom is deceased. So, part of me wishes to cultivate a relationship between the two but I have a lot of trouble doing that b/c I can't trust her. See, she did BAD things to all five of her children, but mostly the oldest two boys, one which happens to be my husband. The two banded together and took all their frustration and anger out on the third son. He was their punching bag when they couldn't strike out at their mother. The along came the two girls and the three boys protected them from most of her physical abuse. However, mom was still able to be mentally and emotionally abusive. By time the girls came along, the two oldest boys had begun fighting back, so she was no longer in control. Her life is lived by being in control of everyone and everything around her so this royally ticked her off. Dad traveled a lot and never knew until much, much later what she had been doing.

Many doctors, pills and therapy sessions later (plus age) has tempered her somewhat. Yes, she is still manipulative, yes she holds grudges and gets angry easily, yes, she will ignore you or make snide remarks about you behind your back to whomever will listen. However, her two girls, who let "grandma" watch their children INSIST that she is much more stable and wishes to make up for her past by trying to be "Grandma of the Year." They say that she is good with their kids and that they trust her to watch their kids.

I can't trust her. And I won't let her watch my daughter unless her husband, my FIL, is with her. My husband supports this decision. See, I imagine a future in which my daughter has been abused in some form or fashion and she asked me why I kept sending her to NaNa's. I imagine my MIL poisoning my daughter with her hate and spite. I imagine how awful I would feel if something happened to her and I could have prevented it. So, no, I won't let her watch my daughter by herself. Just when I start to think that I would like her to be a part of Riley's life she goes and does something else crazy.

Case in point: What this whole blog has been leading up to. My in-laws have been watching my future sister-in-laws two children for a week. They are 7 and 3. We had not seen the kids all week b/c of work and such. So, we asked them if they would like to get together on Saturday and let the three kids play together. My MIL could be heard in the background saying, "I am not going to their house. I won't." She has not been to our house in months b/c she is mad at us for not letting her watch Riley. Whatever. So, FIL was going to come over and bring the kids. Then I heard about a fair that was going on at our local "Y". There was going to be all kinds of events and so I thought we should go there. Good idea--all three kids could play, jump on the bounce houses, ride the ponies, get their faces painted etc...

When we got there, the in-laws were already there. Riley ran up behind NaNa and hugged her really hard. It knocked her forward a little and she turned around angry. I said, "Sorry. She is excited to see you." She did not hug Riley. She did not lean over to talk to her. She did not change from angry to happy to see her. She just simply said, "I guess so" and turned away. Then she turned back and asked Riley, "Did you bring your sock monkey?" (She made her one for Easter). Riley said, "No" and then she took the two kids and walked away and they did their thing and we did ours. So much for hanging out with the kids.

We were suppose to lunch with them as well. It started to rain and they took off. We called them to find them. They didn't answer the phone and then when they finally answered it MIL hung up on my husband. They changed their mind and didn't want to go out to eat so we got to see the kids all of 5 minutes.

Hubby invited them over to the house today to grill. I don't know if MIL will come or not and I don't care. My heart breaks for Riley. Why should I encourage a relationship between the two of them when she ignores or mistreats my daughter to get back at me!?!?!?!? And that is what she is doing.

Other things she has done:
1.)She has no pictures of Riley displayed in her house. NONE. Even though I have given her plenty. She doesn't b/c she is mad at us.
2.) Let her cat and dog RUIN the carpet in the bedroom at our house the stayed in for EIGHT long months. They have not offered to fix it and now the flooring in that area has to be replaced b/c the cat smell is so bad.
3.) When she did laundry at my house, she would take my wet laundry out, put it in a basket and either leave it there (not dry it or hang it) or put it back in the washer wet when she was done. This was after she moved out and was borrowing our washer and dryer. (Now, doesn't common sense dictate that if you are BORROWING something from someone you show your appreciation by being careful with their things??)
4.) When she met my future SIL for the FIRST time she bashed me down one side and up the other.
5.) My daughter got burned at a restaurant last summer. (A waitress dropped a cup of hot coffee on her head). When we rushed to the bathroom to put cold water on her, my MIL followed and started RUBBING her head. I told her to stop and when she didn't my hubby forcibly pulled her away. (She was rubbing off skin.) Here my daughter was in trauma and MIL got her feelings hurt and took off down the road and got her self lost. So, instead of the family being able to follow us to the hospital and making sure DD was safe, they were driving up and down streets looking for my MIL. Then she cried and made herself the victim and had an "asthma" attack all b/c she was "so upset".

She's crazy I tell you. Absolutely insane. When I confronted her about the laundry, she hung up on me like we were still in high school.

UGH
Anyway, all this to lead up to the fact that yesterday, food -wise, SUCKED. But onward this morning with strength and perseverance. Wish me luck.

Sorry for the book.

(Oh and my daughter's face is fine. A small scar still on her forehead.)

Blah Blah Blah

2008-04-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

I have FINALLY lost 6 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!! REJOICE REJOICE!!! Thank goodness.

Even with that victory, I am not feeling good today. I have given myself permission to be BLAH today. I really. really don't feel like doing anything.

I am a teacher. And a good one if I do say so myself. I think I am fair. I think I am tough in all the right ways. But my job is hampered by PARENTS. One student told his parents I was losing his assignments and that was why he had zeros!! And they believed him! They wanted me to sign a piece of paper stating every time he turned in an assignment so that we could monitor the fact that HE was turning in assignments and I was losing them.

Well, no thank you, I do NOT need a parent micro-managing me. So, I politely refused and said I would be more than glad to sign his planner as he walked out the door if he wrote his homework down. (Most of his missing assignments were homework yet it was MY fault he was getting zeros!). Signing his planner would put us all on the same team: mom and dad checking it at home, teacher checking it as school.........but oh, no. THEY could micro-manage ME but I could not micro-manage their son! GOOD GRIEF! So, my principal moved him to another class room. It made me MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not have a bad relationship with the kid---his parents were the problem. And now his parents have won! That is how I feel. I am sure they are telling all their friends how they got one over on the teacher! Grrrrrrrrrr

On top of not sleeping well for two nights in a row, this just did me in! I went out to eat. Still managing to stay at 1,565 calories for the day. But I was mad b/c I ate chicken tenders (3), a roll, ranch dressing..........sigh! However, I DID eat a side salad and a cup of vegetable soup. And there were 5 chicken tenders and I only ate three. So, not a complete cave in just a small mud slide! But GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hubby and I are doing a little better. I no longer feel that we are destined to part. He is soo busy. It is 8:55 p.m. right now and I have not seen him since 7:00 a.m. He hasn't seen our daughter either. :-(

Ok, that's all the news that's fit to print.

My birthday is in "Febrary".........

2008-04-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

Darling daughter keeps me in STITCHES. She is so darn cute that I can't help but thank God everyday for her beautiful smile and spirit.

This morning on the way to school, she INSISTED that her birthday was in February!

I said "No baby girl it is in December. December 29th."

"No mommy my birthday is in 'Febrary'."

"No, Riley you're birthday is in December."

"No!!! (at this point starting to cry) my birthday is in "Febrary"."

"Ok, ok, you're birthday is in Feburary."

LOL Wasn't I there? I could have sworn it was in December! LOL

My daughter is the one true motivating factor in my life. I will do everything I can to insure that she does not suffer in obesity the way I have. I will teach her better food choices and better behaviors than I was taught. I will learn to be active so I can in turn teach her to be active and be active with her. Please, please, please don't let her be obese! Please.

I only got in two work out this week (although I am taking a class tomorrow). My daughter had an appointment after school on Tuesday so I never made it to the gym. Then on Thursday, hubby really wanted me to take my car in (already) and drop it off at the shop to get fixed. So, I left to do that and again never made it back to the gym. Today I worked too late. So, I only got in Monday and Wednesday. But I AM so looking forward to tomorrow and the class. Who am I??? I have never liked working out! And truthfully some of those bad habits still lie in wait getting ready to pounce on me and drag me down for dinner. But I will not listen, I will not give in---moving forward! Moving forward for me, for my daughter and for my husband.

Kicking butt but sad

2008-03-31T18:09:00.001-07:00

Weird how emotions seem to rule my day. I feel so "roller-coaster-y" today. One minute I am feeling psyched and pumped and ready to go and then the next I remember that my marriage is falling apart.

Today was the first day back to school after Spring Break. Hubby did ABSOLUTELY nothing with DD and I while we were off. I asked. I begged. I had her ask. Nada. But come Friday night and he hopped into his friend's convertible and went out for drinks, dinner and a movie. A man date.

I didn't say this in my earlier post from two Friday's ago b/c I was embarrassed. The night I got in the fender bender my husband didn't stay home with me. He went out with his buddy mentioned above. Now technically I wasn't hurt. I had a huge headache from the stress of the whole thing, I was worried about the van and DD. It was scary and I was still a little shaken.

I wanted him to WANT to stay home and baby me. He did not. I even told him I wanted him to stay home. I cried. He left. I felt so dejected and downhearted and abandoned. That's the night I went to Chili's---with a headache, with a HEARTache and ate a TON of chips. Just me and my daughter. I felt like crying the whole time. SIGH.

Tonight he did something to my daughter that broke my heart. He was laying down with his dog (who is elderly and really going down hill.) He has has this dog since college and it is breaking his heart that she is dying. DD came up and was jealous of daddy hugging Cinco. So said, "Daddy I want you to hold me." And he told her no, that he was holding the damn, stupid dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have nothing against Cinco, but he just basically told my daughter the dog was more important. It was mean. And I wanted to kick him really hard. Seriously wanted to kick him. DD was there so I did not. I bit my tongue b/c I didn't want to make a big deal about it in front of her.

Then later I was upstairs bathing DD and putting her to bed. I yelled down to him b/c I wanted him to quickly check the weather for tomorrow on his laptop so I could lay out clothes for her. I called his name. No answer. I could hear him playing some video on his laptop. I called again louder in case he didn't hear me. No answer. Again. No answer. I got louder and angry and yelled his name once more. And he finally answered, "I'm working. I thought maybe you could have been able to tell that." How was I suppose to know??? He watches youtube videos constantly so how was I suppose to know he was watching work related stuff. He completely ignored me calling his name. Made me feel insignificant. Not even worth answering.

It does NOT help that it is TOM time. So I am probably over reacting! But the issues are still there.

Anyway, this blog is suppose to be about weight loss................ I have started the 9 -day IsaGenix cleanse. I am hoping to lose some weight and to kick start my weight loss and metabolism. Otherwise, I am giving up. (and no that is not TOM speaking)

SIGH

Thanks for "listening" oh multitude of people out there. If you pray, pray for me and my family.

Trouble

2008-03-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have lost all of a grand total of ............(drum roll please) .9! POINT 9, in case it is so small you can't see it!! UGH UGH and double UGH.

I was on Spring Break this week and I took two classes (which I completely enjoyed) and worked out the other days on the elliptical. (a total of five workouts). I also went swimming twice with my daughter. Now, she's three, so we aren't doing laps mind you, but at least I am more active (and getting in a bathing suit...YIKES). However, the scale refuses to budge. I am about to do something drastic! I haven't decided what that "something drastic" will be but probably something to the effect of cutting out all carbs (except vegetable carbs which are natural). I have changed over to a vinaigrette over ranch which I don't enjoy as much....but hey, you do what you gotta do. I am eating more grilled meats, more grains, more salads etc.... I drink plenty of water. (12-14 glasses a day---most days.)

My husband supports, uses and sells these cleanings products called IsaGenix. They work GREAT! They cleanse you, they provided well-balanced nutrients and as a by-product of cleansing you out, you lose weight. They have a 9 day cleanse and a 30 day cleanse. You eat one sensible meal a day and have a meal-replacement shake (or bar) the other two meals. They also have supportive nutrients and snacks and stuff to help you through it. Then one or two days you fast but drink these concentrated juices to keep a balance.

My hubby lost 30 pounds in 30 days doing the program. The first time I did I lost 16 pounds in 9 days. Then, like any other diet program, I deviated, lost interest and gained it all back. SIGH! I may go ahead and do another 9-day cleanse and see if that will at least kick-start my metabolism. I have never had a metabolism. It would be nice to have one.

But here's the biggest trouble I am facing. I think my marriage is falling apart. We had some-what of a talk tonight. I feel like none of my needs are being met and he feels like none of his needs are being met. I suggested we write down three things we need from each other and then work on meeting those needs this week for each other. He said the only thing he needed from me was to be left alone. I started crying. How can we go anywhere if he doesn't need or want me anymore? He didn't have an answer and the ugly truth is just lying there between up--driving us farther apart. Divorce. Is that where this is heading? I don't want that for myself and I sure in hell don't want that for our daughter. Although, truthfully, I already feel like a single mom most of the time. She spends 99% of her times with me (when she isn't is school etc...).

Well, I am going to finish this post and power down for Earth Day. Hope many of you are doing the same.

CRASH

2008-03-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Did so great today UNTIL........................

I am sure to the average "Jane", what I did will sound disgusting, but I took a bite of cake today and had second thoughts so I spit it out half chewed! It IS a little gross but hey, I had control!

Another teacher invited me to her classroom for cookies. I was halfway there and turned around and went back to my room (it was a long walk too! LOL)

Had no extra snacks, foods etc....... I did reward myself for all of this with a diet soda, but hey, one thing at a time! :-)

THEN.............CRASH!

On the way home, I was rear-ended! I was pushed forward into the truck in front of me. I was on the phone with DH when this happened. I screamed when the 16 year old girl hit me, and then again when I hit the truck in front. My DD was in her car seat in the back. As we stopped, she started screaming. When I unbuckled myself and turned around she was holding her head and crying. Of course you think the worst! I was so scared for her--not me! I made her look at me and I spoke to her calmly and told her that I screamed b/c I was scared but that I was ok. I asked if she was ok. I asked her if she was hurt or just scared and she said, "Just scared." ! WHEW!!!!!!!!!!! So I told her I was going to pull the car off the road and then I would take her out of the car seat and hold her. She stopped crying and was so brave!!!!! So, I did. I pulled over, held her, someone else called the police. It was a mess. My car had the most damage b/c I was sandwiched and the truck had a hitch so I have a nice "hitch-shaped" hold in the grill of the van! But all in all, everyone was ok. My neck and shoulder and head hurt but I am not too sure it wasn't stress. I told the police officer anyway in case I have whiplash.

But here's where I really CRASHED! I came home and I didn't want to cook. So DD and I went to Chili's. UGH! I could have been good but I was upset. I got the chips and salsa. Then I got the fried chicken sandwich (I only ate half) and steamed veggies!!!!!!!!!! I at least didn't get fries but man did I chow on the chips. It didn't help that by then it was WAY past the normal time I eat. SIGH.

Oh well, start again tomorrow.

Hope everyone else's day was less eventful!

Happy Easter!

'Cause you gotta have friends.........

2008-03-20T18:28:00.001-07:00

Went to work a little bummed today. Still not losing. What changes do I need to make????? What am I doing wrong?????

My friend Dawn is super-fit and so sweet and cute. She is about 126 pounds and works out like a fiend. She has a trainer and everything. She is the most disciplined person I know. I love her to death though because for all of that, she does NOT rub anything in my face. She is so helpful and really only offers advice when I ask.

I went to her classroom a few days ago crying and she came to check on me today and offered me her menu plans her trainer had put together. Now mind you she is 1/3 my size and works out a LOT--so I am SURE our calorie needs are different. But I am going to try it. I can't start tomorrow------just did not make it to the store for the supplies. However, I AM going to try it. I figure even if I change my diet radically for a few days, maybe it will kick start my metabolism. And it can't be BAD for me, it's from her trainer and look at her hot bod!!!!!!!!

She also said she would share with me her work out routine that her trainer put together for her. I KNOW I will have to modify it because she is so far ahead of me, but any kind of structure will be good. Right now I DO work out 4-5 times a week and I am constantly changing things up on the elliptical machine. But more structure from a source that knows will help.

Not feeling too humorous today.........so post is probably kinda dull.

Hump Day

2008-03-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

Ok In Weight Watchers talk, I had a non-scale Victory today. I did NOT lose an ounce, which would have been SCALE victory and much appreciated mind you, but I was proud of myself anyway.

About two weeks ago a lady at work was selling these breads called "Butter Braids." They are frozen logs of dough that come in scrumptious flavors like strawberry cheesecake, Bavarian cream, cream cheese.......... YUM! They are basically HUGE danishes. You un-freeze them, they rise, you bake, you eat, you eat some more and GAIN! They are sooooo Delicious. She was selling them as a fund raiser for a family affected by cancer. So, I bought two--at $10.00 a pop! I bought Bavarian Cream and Cream Cheese, two flavors I KNEW my husband would not eat. Don't ask me why. Ok ask me why if you must. I guess b/c I wanted them to myself. Shame Shame.

Anyway, they came in today. Cold, frozen beautiful logs of potential baked goodness. I immediately walked next door to another teacher's classroom and gave them to her!!!!!!!! She is a single, struggling mom with a dead beat, non-child-support-paying husband!

She was shocked. She protested. She declined. She took them. I was very glad and sad at the same time! Dang it those were mine. They would have been so good. I paid $20.00 for those!
But I felt good at the same times for several reasons. 1.) I got rid of CRAP food and walked away. 2.) I helped the family with cancer with my $20.00 and 3.) I helped a single mom!

So all in all a positive experience. But I still want that Cream Cheese bread! LOL

Saturday work out classes

2008-03-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Saturday I took a class at the Y and worked really hard----so hard in fact that I could barely move on Sunday and not much more on Monday! Usually, I work out on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. (I take Friday and Sunday off). So when Monday rolled around and it was time to go work out, I just couldn't! I was too sore.

I did go today and I put in my time. It isn't good for me to take time off b/c I find my interest waning. If I don't go directly after work, before I pick my daughter up, then I don't go! We joined the Y, even though it is expensive here, b/c I needed to get rid of all excuses. They have childcare, so out goes the "I have no one to watch the kid" excuse. There is one near my house and one near my work. Goodbye "It is too far" excuse.

So, I have etched out an hour before I pick my daughter up. Sometimes I feel soooooooo guilty when I think of how many hours my girl is in pre-school. :-( I use to pick her up before 4 and now it is 5 before I get there so I can work out. And it makes me mad that I gained when I am taking precious time from my family along with the guilt that comes with, working my butt off and pushing my boundaries of comfort by being among people who are more fit! All, it seems, for nothing!

SIGH!

When I go work out I find myself getting in the zone though---pushing myself, going faster, competing against my own previous records. I find I enjoy it.

I eat too much! That is all it boils down to. I eat too much.

But this was suppose to be about working out.......and the Saturday class. I LOVE the Saturday classes, even when I am completely lost and miss some steps. I get excited about them.

What do you think?
1.) Is it better to kick my own butt and work out really hard for an hour on Saturday but not be able to work out on Monday?
or
2.) Work on for my regular barely kicking butt session (that burns calories and leaves me a little achy but able to move) on Saturday?

What's better? One hour long make-me-cry-but love it session? Or two moderate-I-am-ok-with-it sessions?

I'd like to know.
But now I am off to bed b/c for some reason I woke up at 4 a.m. and was unable to go back to sleep. YAWN! Later.

A Beginning

2008-03-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

So, here we go...................I begin to share my story and hopefully keep myself accountable. I am FAT! no two ways around it. No denying it. No sugar coating it. I am fat. How sad. How depressing. How utterly hopeless sounding. But even as I type this I know it is not true. I am fat---but it is NOT hopeless. (Depressing and sad, yeah! Hopeless, no!)

How did I get myself in this position? There are so many people, places, circumstances and foods I could blame---some of them legitimately. Ultimately, however, I am to blame and somehow that is the hardest pill to swallow. I have had my thyroid tested. Functions just fine, thank you. When the doctor told me, I was upset. UPSET THAT I WAS FINE! Why? Because I wanted anything, anyone, to blame except myself. And a fine thyroid can't be blamed. Sigh. I am pathetic.

I grew up in Southeast Texas where they coat everything and drop in vats of boiling oil and fry it up crisp. Chicken, burritos, squash, okra, breads, steak, fries, mashed potatoes, snickers.......you name it, we fry it! Yum-mee! I am the youngest of six kids that was a one-income family. We didn't have a lot to eat---but somehow ALL six of us are obese! It happened for me sooner than some of my other siblings but they too have joined me in Fat-ville. How is this possible? No food should equal no fat. Here are some of the reasons:

1.) What we did eat was in bulk, cheap and fattening.
2.) My father hunted deer, squirrel and rabbit to feed us and give us fresh meat. ( I think rabbit and squirrel are pretty fattening.)
3.) Everyone gorged when we had abundance.
4.) We all ate seconds when we could b/c we didn't know how much there would be next time.
5.) We ate as fast as possible to get to the next helping before it was all gone.
6.) Fruits and vegetables were mostly canned b/c they were cheaper. (I don't remember eating ONE salad as a kid.)
7.) Because we were poor there was no money for school-related or extra curricular activities. So, no soccer, baseball etc... No early "training" on being active.
8.) Many times our food came from food banks. Do you give your best food to canned food drives? No one does. So we ended up with the "crap food."
9.) Snacks, cakes, sodas were used as treats and rewards b/c they were cheap.

So, as you can see.........not a great start to healthy eating habits or exercise habits. By high school I already at least 280 if not more. My highest weight was 341 pounds. I will post a picture of me at my highest. I now weigh 219 pounds. So while less, still FAT!

In April 2003, I had gastric bypass. I lost 153 pounds down to 188. Then I got pregnant. I gained 40 up to 228/230. Now three years after giving birth, I still weigh 219. It has been a FIGHT to get down to 219. 188 seems soooooooooo far away. Gastric bypass worked for what it was. It was a way to lose a lot of weight quickly. However, it did not change my bad habits, or my addiction to food. It did not change what I feel when I look at myself in the mirror. I define myself by my fat-ness everyday. It has to STOP!!!!!!!

I have been dieting for as long as I can remember. I think I diet more than don't. I started my newest diet in mid-January when hubby and I joined the Y. I have been working out 4-5 times a week and I have gained 2 pounds!!!!!!!!!! TWO FREAKIN' POUNDS!?!??!?!?!? I am disheartened. I am upset. I am TICKED! How dare that scale tell me I gained when I have worked my butt off!

When I started at the Y I could only do 20 minutes on the machine. Now I can do 35-40. I also take a class every Saturday. I can not find time any other day of the week. I am so tired of not seeing results. I started a challenge with a friend---8 weeks of journaling, getting in our water, eating fruits and veggies, tracking our work outs and really helping each other. She lost almost 15 pounds and I have GAINED TWO!!!!!!! Lord help me but I am about to give up.

I don't want to give up............ So, here we go..........................a beginning.

I don't know if this blogging stuff will help me, but I am willing to try.